Toxicity Needs to go…

…Even When It’s Family.

My mother has been the most toxic person in my life since the day I was born. I, of course, didn’t know it until adulthood when I started to hear the stories and see for myself what she is. Despite knowing how evil she really is, I held on. I held on partially because my nanny taught me to forgive and tolerate her, partially because she has guardianship of my nephew and someone needed to put up with her for him and his safety and partially in hopes that I would one day have a mother who actually cared about me. My Nanny has passed, My nephew is 16 and I realize I need peace, not a mother. I blocked out a lot of my childhood, in fact, most of my “memories” are stories from other people. One day about 2 or 3 years ago the locks on that overcrowded vault broke and a tsunami of trauma was released. Despite that explosion of emotion I thought that I got past it all and accepted my mother for who she is…On October 13, 2019 I realized I was wrong, I buried it instead, and on December 16th 2019 it all surfaced and punched me in the face so hard that I haven’t stopped crying since.

So where do I start? With the stuff I remember? With the stuff I have heard and know to be true? At the beginning? How about where it started? My father left her when I was 4-ish. Do you want to know why? Well I am going to tell you anyway. She slept with my father’s brother…for years! My dad found out and left her, unbeknownst to him at the time, leaving his children too. In the early 80s, taking custody from a mother was an impossible task and so we were stuck with her. We were stuck to be abused, neglected, brainwashed and used by a woman I put all of my faith, trust and love in, my mother.

She abused us; physically, mentally, emotionally and although she did not abuse us sexually, she might as well have. I was molested at 5 or 6 and was too afraid to tell her. I was molested at 12 or 13 and she made friends with the guy who did it. No. I am NOT kidding! I ran home and told her. She 1. Did not call the police 2. Yelled at me for leaving the place I was at in the middle of the night 3. Waited until morning to go “confront” the dude 4. Called to tell me what a nice guy he is and that I should go back and meet him so he can apologize … Nope. Still not kidding. She beat me so much. Sure it could have been worse, it could have been much worse but abuse is abuse is abuse. She beat me with sticks, brushes, slippers and on occasion her hand. She threw things at me, she yanked me by the head of the hair, she starved and malnourished me, She screamed and screamed and screamed. She pit my sisters and I against each other. She “bashed” all of us to each other. She played favourites and made it well known. I will never forget the time an ambulance had to be called because she yanked one of my sisters off of the top bunk and all we heard was a loud pop and thought my mother broke my sister’s neck. Or the time she started beating me with a bag of chocolate bars (that I was selling for school) because I “allowed” my younger sister to eat a bunch of them. Often if she wanted information, such as who did something, she would line us up and beat us until someone fessed up, I often lied and “fessed up” to keep my sisters from being beaten. I looked out for them and was like a mother to them from a very young age.

I am sure she hated being a mother. Because she wasn’t one. I was. My first recollection of her neglect was when I had to make my sisters breakfast because my mother wouldn’t get out of bed. Whether she was just being lazy or she was hungover from the drinking or drugs that she says she never used, I don’t know. What I do know is that my sisters and I were all 6 and under and were hungry. I attempted oatmeal and failed. I burnt it. I did the cooking and the cleaning and pretty much all of it until my sisters were old enough to help cater to her every whim. She did next to nothing. She was rarely home. She was either out partying or visiting friends and when she was home she was watching TV or screwing her flavour of the month. On the occasions that she did cook, it was KD for us and steak for her. I specifically remember sitting at the dinner table eating crap dinner (AKA Kraft Dinner) while she sat in the living room eating her steak and potatoes.

She hadn’t perfected her brainwashing quite yet but that is not to say she didn’t fill my head with lie after lie anyway. She wanted me to believe that she was the only one that loved me, that my entire family (especially on my dads side) hated me. She would say things like “Your father is an asshole”, “Your father doesn’t love you”, “Your father doesn’t want you”, “Your grandmother hates you”, “None of them care about you”, “I am the only person you can count on” HA! What a load of shit!! She wanted me totally dependant on her. Although I did sometimes believe her lies, I was much too strong willed and independent to be completely brainwashed. She did get closer and closer with each child though and it is nearly perfected now with my nephew.

She used us as a welfare cheque. Fully capable of working, she spent her whole life on welfare. The more kids, the more money. When the kids ran out she manipulated her way onto disability and into another child, her grandson, my nephew. She used us to punish my father and his family. He left her and she hated him for it. She spent all of my childhood and some of my adult life torturing my father; from hiding us to taking us away to demanding child support and laughing about it. She would tell him that he could see us and then either leave before he got to the house or have us hidden and hushed. I specifically remember a time when my step father was knocking at the door, trying to visit us and his daughter and she was threatening us to keep quiet. She moved us around the country, first to Montreal and then to Penticton. I barely remember the move to Montreal but the move to Penticton was to keep us from moving in with our dad. You see, I was 14 and after running away, again, my sister and I went to stay with my grandmother while we waited for my dad to have room for us. He and my step-mom were buying a house that would have fit all of us. Despite my mother’s best efforts, even without knowing him well, I was always daddy’s girl and she hated me for it but she hated him more. I was excited and shortly before it was time to move with my dad, I got the call: “I am moving to British Columbia and if you ever want to see your sisters again you will come” She kept his kids from him for 10 years and there she went again, destroying his life knowing full well that I would go to be with and protect my sisters. She just couldn’t let it (or the money) go. When we were all old enough to think for ourselves and fend for ourselves she had only 1 way left to punish him, financially, and she did. She went after child support. I remember a phone call with her in which she laughed because she was getting child support cheques from him. She spent her entire life on welfare, refused to let him see his kids and still managed to be a cunt and laugh at taking money from our dad and baby sister who needed it more than her welfare abusing ass.

Despite knowing what she’s done (and still doing) it took all of my 43 years for it to actually click in, it took a funeral. My grandfather, my last living grandparent, had passed away on October 10th 2019. From that day forward, in addition to feeling grief, I felt hatred. Full and complete hatred for the first time in my life. I was a complete and utter mess, because not only did I lose my last living grandparent, I lost the last of the only 2 people I ever thought cared about me. You see, my mother tried very hard to do that brainwashing thing and for the most part it worked, but she could not wipe away my Nanny G nor my Grampy S. We lived next door to my Dad’s parents when I was 5-8 ish and despite my mother telling me to not go to my grandparents house, I would sneak over to Grampy’s to eat and talk. He would tell me stories and ask about me. He cared and nothing my mother could say would change that. So why the hatred you ask? Well as I said, it clicked. I sat and listened to my dad’s family share their memories of Grampy. They shared stories from him and about him and I had almost none. I watched them comfort each other and love each other and me. They comforted me too. But what really hit home, what really made my head ride the emotional rollercoaster from hell was when my youngest aunt told me “We have loved you from the day you were born”. I knew my mother was a liar, I knew she manipulated us, I knew she was a vengeful bitch, that was confirmed time and time again by even her own family, but no one ever confirmed that they had always loved me. Sure the “love you” is said when signing a card or when the phone call is ending but … they always did love me and she kept me away. I spent the next month trying to overcome this which proved to be really difficult because, you see, I used to call my mother nearly every day or at least once a week and then right after my grampy died…nothing. She couldn’t be bothered to call me to check in to see if I was doing ok. When she did finally call a month later she established the most bullshit excuse I have ever heard … Oh I thought that your partner might be home and I know you don’t like me calling when he is home… What the actual fuck! I confusingly corrected her with an “um, mom, I have never said that and we have talked many times while he’s been home” She quickly covered her lie with “oh that was your sister”. As usual, I knew she was lying, but I dropped it and moved on anyway. But things were different now, I could feel it. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. I felt sadness, anger and even hate with every word she spoke and every time we spoke over the next few weeks and it only got worse.

During the first week(ish) of December my mother fell and apparently broke her kneecap putting her in a cast from her ankle up to her mid thigh (as she tells me). She also tells me that the doctor said no walking on it for 6 to 8 weeks. Amid this conversation she informed me that my nephew would not be attending school so that he could “take care of her”. This was unacceptable and I told her so in a very stern way. I demanded that he go to school and that she call her disability/social worker and get some help. To get someone to come in and help her with her daily activities. She said she would… A couple days later I come to find out that she is at her friend’s house and my nephew is at my aunts so that he can go to school. Not the best scenario, but it will do. The following weekend, I called my aunts to speak with my nephew. He wasn’t there. My aunt informed me that my mother decided to have him with her at her friends for the weekend. That was fine except for one thing … Monday came and my frantic aunt called me not knowing what to do because my mother decided to keep my nephew with her at her friends home, not sending him to school. My aunt may not be great at parenting and discipline, but she loves my nephew and wants him in school so he can succeed in life. My mother is hindering every aspect of that.

It did not take me long to figure out what was going on. It was December 16th, my sister arrived the night before. You see, my sister planned a trip home for Christmas to spend time with her son and to see her family whom she hadn’t seen in 10 ish years. She let our mother know a few weeks ahead of time that she would be there from December 15th through to the 31st. I got my mother on the phone almost immediately following that epiphany. I confronted her with my theory, “Don’t you dare lie to me, tell me the truth for once in your life, did you take him from [my aunts] to keep him from her?” I knew the answer. She knew I knew the answer. She hesitated but confirmed. Her confirmation threw me into a rage that I never thought possible. In the moment, I did not realize that it was because of my PTSD, because of what she did to me and my sisters. She tried to cover up her evil with lies (Surprise, surprise). “But [her ex] said she was coming to take him” My rage escalated. First of all, my sister does not have these types of conversations with her ex. Second of all, My nephew is almost 16 and is a big boy, she is not “taking” him anywhere that he does not want to go. Most importantly, because this particular ex is an idiot. A crackhead. A liar. A piece of shit. This particular ex is in cahoots with my mother to keep all of my sisters children away from her. I have warned my mother, what feels like, a million times of this, but she ignores it. Why? Because they are in league to punish my sister for crimes that she tries to rectify. She can’t rectify them because they won’t let her.

Following that fit of rage I was drained, fully drained, I cried for days. I have never, in my 43 years, felt so much wrath and abhorrence and it knocked me on my ass. I couldn’t even fathom the emotions that were flowing through my body over those few days. All of the feelings were negative and powerful. I finally came to a realization. A realization that I wish I had come to years ago. My mother has to go. Her repugnant personality is no longer welcome in my life. I have had enough of her lies and schemes and manipulation and it needs to stop. Since she won’t stop it, I will.

Child protection has been called (AGAIN) and told about many incidents with my nephew, including her locking herself in her room and threatening to commit suicide resulting in him breaking down her bedroom door, her threatening him and screaming at him on a regular basis, Her brainwashing him and forcing him onto medications that he doesnt need, her using him to punish others and her keeping him home from school to do her bidding. She has ruined his life. I only hope and pray that it is not too late for him to be helped and (for lack of a better word) fixed.

My nanny taught me to forgive and tolerate my mother and although I never really forgave her, I tolerated her for my Nanny and then for my nephew. I thought I accepted her for the lying, conniving, manipulative bitch that she is. As it turns out I should not tolerate abuse, I should not tolerate toxicity, I should not tolerate her.

Family. Survivor. Goodbye.

#BellLetsTalk

features-mental-health #BellLetsTalk Let’s do it! Let’s talk! Let’s talk about Anxiety Disorders. Let’s talk about Depressive Disorders. Let’s talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Let’s talk about Stress. Let’s talk about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Let’s talk about Binge Eating Disorder. Let’s talk about Insomnia. Let’s talk about Restless Leg Syndrome. Let’s talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. Let’s talk about Bereavement Disorder. Let’s talk about Panic Attack Disorder. Let’s talk about Fibromyalgia. Let’s talk about Suicidal and harmful thoughts! Let’s talk about me and my Mental illnesses. Did you read all those ones I listed off? Welcome to my life.

Someone loves you and someone is here for you, whether you realize it or not. Your story is not over; continue life. Canadian Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566. You are never alone. Children’s help phone 1-800-668-6868. I love you.

https://youtu.be/H1y0mHPY6k8

Mental Health Awareness is on the rise and we all need to help raise the awareness. Mental illnesses are real. I struggle every day. Everyday is a fight just to get out of bed. I am on 3 medications to help cope with all that is wrong with my brain. I see my family doctor, a counsellor and a psychologist (soon to add a psychiatrist to the list) I take classes to learn tools and techniques. I read book after book on some of my brains ailments. I research, read and look into blogs, videos and websites. It has been a slow and sneaky incline, so slow that I didn’t even know anything was wrong (other than my anxiety which (knowingly) started nearly 20 years ago) until death became an option.

Let’s talk about Anxiety Disorders. I developed anxiety 17-18 years ago, shortly after meeting a certain person. A very abusive, controlling, possessive, demeaning, horrible person. I eventually left this person, but unfortunately he will always be a part of my life. Nope, not because of our daughter, but because of the pain and suffering that he caused that I may never heal from. Through the last, we’ll say, 18 years this anxiety has progressed from an anxiety involving fear of abuse to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Separation Anxiety and Phobias. I once wrote an entire blog about my anxieties but I am not going to do that today. All I am going to say today is that Anxiety disorders are debilitating. I am not talking about “normal” “I don’t want to talk in public” anxieties, I am talking about disorders that have and still do cripple me at times with surges of overwhelming panic, difficulty breathing, dizziness, pounding heart or feeling like I’m having a heart attack, and occasionally not even being able to move. My anxieties come from many triggers and sometimes none at all, from having to leave the house to Kal going to a friends house to Kev flying to work and from getting a needle to worrying if I am wearing the right shoes to having a normal conversation. I have read “Anxiety for Beginners: How It Feels to Live With Anxiety and How To Make The Best Of It” by Eleanor Morgan (Author) and found it to be pretty good even with 20 years “experience”. Another good read … I also really like the Anxiety Canada website, an information overload! There is a lot of tools and resources you can check out for free. If you suffer from Anxiety or know someone who does, go ahead and check these out!

Let’s talk about Depressive Disorders. All of these mental illnesses go hand in hand. One minute you feel fine, the next your brain gets sick. While sick, it is easier to “catch” other diseases. The domino effect happens which is why I seem to have so many I guess. Depression is the hardest one for me. I practically raised my sisters, who were my loves and my life. They were my children from the time I was 7 or 8 years old. Then we were separated. Then depression happened and we stopped talking. we used to be as close as sisters could be … but now…not so much… but I am working on it … I suffer with Major depressive disorder. The hardest one to beat. But I am taking that bastard head on and I WILL win. I am sad. but not your “normal sad”. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Some days I cry and cry and cry. Some days I feel worthless. I have a constant lack of energy that I sometime blame on being lazy. I am not lazy! I am depressed! I can’t concentrate or think. Decisions are near impossible. I am lonely in a room full a people. Sometimes I feel like Kal and Kev don’t love nor care for me … THEY DO! I know they do deep down, but this depression takes over and covers up the good things showing only the sad/bad. Fuck you depression! I have a huge Library of depression literature and tools… HUGE. But let me just give you my favourites … First Neil Pasricha! Anything by Neil Pasricha! The Happiness Equation, The Book of Awesome, His Ted Talk, and best of all The Institute for Global Happiness. This guy is the positive/happy King! You can also check out his original blog 1000 Awesome Things. “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck is a good one that was recommended by my family doctor, it is not entirely about depression, but it has a bit in there and it does a great job explaining the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. Mindset can be applied anywhere in your life. Give it a read whether you are depressed or not, it will help you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies was not a full read for me. I flipped through to the chapters that applied to me. I highly recommend this one for not just depression, but for anxiety, addictions, low self esteem and much more. Workbooks are big helps with both Anxiety and depression; I like The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution by David A. Clark, Aaron T. Beck . Need some online tools, help and resources? I went to the Center for Clinical Interventions and went through a lot of their stuff. I have just started reading a book that came highly recommended by a complete stranger, I don’t have my own opinion on it yet, but because it was so passionately recommended I will include it – You Are Not Your Brain: The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking, and Taking Control of Your Life by Jeffrey Schwartz MD and Rebecca Gladding MD. If you know someone who is depressed (or think someone you love might be), for the love of god and all that is holy, research, learn and read; something like “Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone in Your Life Is Depressed” by Claudia J. Strauss (Author). They need love, comfort, reassurance and most of all support. We think we are alone, show us that we are not!

Let’s talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Yikes. This is a tough one. The flashbacks are as traumatizing as the incidents. My childhood was a rough one. The “typical” sad childhood story? I grew up Very poor. I was neglected, abused, used, taken advantage of, and the list goes on. My Mother was not a good parent at all. My father was rarely around. One of my grandparents made me feel like she hated me. Like she held me in contempt and/or blamed be for simply being my mothers daughter. I was moved around the country multiple times. Is this where the PTSD comes in? I think it aids in the episodes but here is the thing… I was molested, almost molested and raped. Separate incidents, Separate people. When I was but a wee child, 6 ish I think, There was a man who used to give me money when I went to the store for him. I obviously kept going back, I got a lot of candy with the quarters he would give me. eventually the hugging started, then the kissing and the tongue and then the touching. This is very hard for me to type out. I have not told many people and now I am sharing it to the world. Although he did not enter me with his penis, he did use his hands and fingers. Ok, I am back after a panic attack and a cry. Reliving this is too upsetting, so I will leave it and move on. A less traumatizing incident was the “almost”. I was babysitting for a friend of my mother. She apparently brought home some “big black man” (as I called him back then. I was sleeping when they came in. He made his way to the bed I was in and while I slept he put his hand up my shirt and started fondling my breasts and as he started to move toward my “private area” I jumped up and ran. ran home. The traumatizing part of this experience is my mother. I told her what happened and she went and made friends with the guy!!! She made friends with a grown ass man who tried to touch her daughter!! Thanks mom. That is where I started to really rebel and hold her in contempt for my horrible upbringing. That is where I lost respect and trust. So when I was raped, I did not tell her. I did not tell anyone on any of the occasions. For many years I blamed myself. I used to be fairly promiscuous and dressed fairly “sexy”. So it was my fault…so I thought for many years. Later when I thought I was settling down I was raped by someone that I thought I loved. But it’s not rape if you are with that person right? I should have wanted it, right? NO. FUCK NO! No means no whether you are dressed slutty, in a relationship or married or so drunk you can barely talk. No means no!! I still have to convince myself this more often than not. I say it, but I often don’t believe it. It was not my fault and yes it is rape even if you love them. I am 3/4 of the way through Freeing The Unloved Girl: A Woman’s Guide To Healing From Childhood Abuse And Conditioning By Marisa Russo and I find it quite helpful … I use her techniques for some things and am hoping that one day I can work up to my PTSD causes.

Let’s talk about Stress. Having a sick brain is one of the most stressful things that I have ever encountered but you know what else is stressful … Life. I cannot even begin to list all the stressors that are part of my daily life, there are just way too many. But my stress needs to drop a bit…ok a LOT, and how am I attempting to reduce stress? Mindfulness and meditation. You can meditate! I thought I couldn’t. I am one of those people who fell into all the myths: “You need to be religious”, “you need to empty your mind and I can’t”, “I don’t have time”, “It takes too long to see results” I was wrong. I am currently taking classes on Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) through Catholic Family Service and I LOVE it!! It is tough but, like everything, practice makes perfect. These techniques help with not only stress but also depression, anxiety, chronic pain and more. Try it for FREE on the Online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) website Palouse Mindfulness. I will be reading Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness by Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thich Nhat Hanh next and think you should too!

Let’s talk about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OMG! That is NOT how you put the groceries on the belt!! The toilet paper goes “THIS” way! It does NOT go there. Everything has to be perfect! I have to fix it. It is eating me alive. Panic attack!! If I go to bed without touching all the locks on all the doors to confirmed they are locked I go into a huge panic attack. I have to get up and do it. I have to make sure. Seeing them locked or having Kev or Kal tell me they are locked is not enough. I must fell them locked or I go into a full blown panic attack. That is the only one that is really bad that I cannot shake. When at the grocery store, I try to leave the groceries how Kev puts them on. The odd item I move, but I think I am doing really well. I don’t freak out over the toilet paper anymore … well most of the time … and I will often leave it. On occasion, on a bad day, I will not freak out but I will change it. Something is in the wrong spot? I now calmly move it. I cannot leave it though. I just can’t do that one. Thanks to medication and therapy, I can cope with my OCD and am starting to take control. I have no books on OCD nor websites. everything was discussed in counselling, including mindfulness and CBT, and it is working. It was recommended that I read Everyday Mindfulness for OCD: Tips, Tricks, and Skills for Living Joyfully by Jon Hershfield MFT and Shala Nicely LPC and a workbook to go with it; The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions and Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Jon Hershfield MFT and Tom Corboy MFT and I may get to them, but because I am working on controlling it and it seems to be helping, I have other Mental disorders that I need to work on, like …

Let’s talk about Binge Eating Disorder. When I am sad, I eat. When I am upset, I eat. when I am happy I eat … the problem is not just eating, it is eating 6 full size chocolate bars because I am depressed. It’s eating a tub of ice-cream because I am sad. It’s eating 5 boxes of toffifee because I am lonely. It’s eating an entire box of oreos because I feel worthless. It’s eating a large bag of chips and some sweets because life sucks and I am a lazy bum. It is eating all of this secretly so no one can see my shame. It is regretting the binge eating and hating myself for it. It is blaming myself for gaining weight because of the binge eating. It is self loathing at its finest. I have started a diet to help me determine irritants but I have found chocolate that I can eat on this diet … I may have also stocked up on a TON of chips and chocolate to binge on when my diet is done … I feel guilty already. I know I should get rid of it and just not eat it … but I can’t…

Let’s talk about Insomnia. Sleep? HA! Everyone says they don’t sleep well, but I call bullshit on most of them. When you get so little sleep that your daily life is interrupted and you cannot function daily because you went to bed at 9, it took you 3 hours to get to sleep and then you woke up 45 times for times varying from 5 minutes to a couple hours and then you get up at 5:30 or 6 often because you have been awake since 3 and do it all over again for months and months until you can’t cope anymore, THEN you can say you don’t sleep. I am thankfully now on medication to help me sleep. I still wake up a few times, but overall my sleep has increased immensely. However, forgetting that little pill means no sleep all over again. I have a book on better sleeping … but it is packed and I do not recall the name of it. I do my meditation before bed and listen to calm and relaxing music or guided sleep meditation. I like this one for music …

Let’s talk about Restless Leg Syndrome. RLS one of the most annoying disorders I have and very likely contributes to the insomnia. Having to kick out, shake or walk off my legs, just as I am falling asleep, because they feel weird just Fucking sucks!!

Let’s talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. I spent my entire life keeping people at a distance, not letting people “in” and never “asking”. I had (have) an extreme fear of rejection and abandonment. When I did enter a relationship, I jumped right back out when anything started to change. It saved me from them leaving me. Abandoning me, rejecting me. I drank, I put up walls and I was an emotional roller coaster. Today I am not as impulsive, unstable or crazy emotional, but the disorder is still there with extreme fear. I still hold back, I still hide my feelings and I still panic and “freak out” when I think I am being rejected or abandoned, whether by a loved one or a job or a fricking credit card. The suffering is great and real.

Let’s talk about Bereavement Disorder. My grandmother was the most important person in my life until I had Kal, and then she was a VERY close second. I loved her like a mother. She was the light of my day and the moon in my nights. She was my conscience, my guilt and my morals. She was the glue that held our family together and the rock that kept me grounded. She was my biggest fan and I hers. On September 17th, 2016 she passed away. over 2 years later and I still cannot get over her death. I cry for her all the time. I long for her love and I pray for her life. It hurts so bad. I see felt and I cry. I see owls or chickadees (live or art or decor) and I bawl. When I see anything that makes me think of her my insides (my heart) feels like it is tearing apart and I am reliving the day of her passing. I still cannot accept that she is gone. She was my world and now my world is empty.

Let’s talk about Panic Attack Disorder. Panic attacks appear with nearly all of my mental disorders. but what scares me the most is when the attacks arise out of nowhere. When I am just sitting watching tv, laying down reading, checking the mail or staring into space and a panic attack occurs, I feel like I am actually dying. I feel like the world is about to end. I feel like I cannot cope. I feel an immense fear and have no idea why. I shake, sweat, have difficulty breathing, get pains in my chest along with a racing heart and I cannot think straight. Panic attack are scariest when they are over nothing at all.

Let’s talk about Fibromyalgia. I hate this one. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there is not test to determine why I am in pain constantly. I hate that there are too many symptoms and they cannot be explained. I hate that this “may” be hereditary and Kal may end up with it. Let’s see… I will throw out a “few” of the symptoms that I deal with on a daily basis; some days worse than others… Pain. Pain all over all the time. Sensitivity to pain, just touching me can hurt like hell!! Concentration issues, headaches, numb/tingly hands, feet and shoulder, fatigue, stiffness, IBS, always cold, carpel tunnel (may not be due to FM), RLS (may or may not be fibro related), noise and smell sensitivities, lack of balance when walking, Sleep problems, unable to focus, difficulty expressing words, talking or completing sentences. forgetting everything, emotional issues, easy bruising, random rashes on arms and back, canker sores galore and hemorrhoids. And that is not all of them!!

Let’s talk about Suicidal and harmful thoughts! Suicide is an often avoided topic. No one wants to talk about death, whether by their own hand or someone else’s. Well guess what… today, I am going to! I have wanted to end my life 3 times in the last 12 months and am thankful everyday that I did not smash my head off the corner, that I did not drive off that bridge, that I did shut the car off before I “fell asleep”.

Let’s talk about me and MY mental illnesses. It was the suicide idealizations that made me finally see the doctor and get help. I knew I had some mental illness but I was to ashamed to ask for help and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. over the last year I have been diagnosed with Multiple illnesses, I have tried many medications trying to find the correct ones, I have cried and thought I was going to die. I know my brain is sick and I am doing my best to help it get healthy again. It is a long process but I CAN DO IT! I WILL DO IT!!

As long as you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong with you – Jon Kabat-Zinn

Christmas, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year… Usually…

This year not so much. I woke up Christmas morning in excruciating pain (the same pain I have been suffering for months…years?). I sucked it up went downstairs and waited for Kev and Kal to get up and open their gifts. I laid on the couch dozing off a little but the pain in my gut kept waking me up and keeping me awake. I laid there waiting hoping that their excited faces would provide a little bit of relief from the pain and depression. Eventually they did come downstairs and we opened our gifts. We all got spoiled as usual, even though we planned to go easy this year … We didn’t. I am not going to get into all the details of all the presents but … I got my Vitamix!!! Finally, I’ve only been asking for it for years. LOL BTW, It really does make perfect soups and smoothies!!! It’s sad really because after opening my presents I was suffering so much with the pain in my gut and the depression bringing me down that to an outside person I probably seemed like an ungrateful bitch. I wasn’t at all, I love all my gifts and I am so thankful for all of them but I was in just too much pain to care on Christmas morning. I managed to stick it out for a little bit, but could not bear any more. Water bottle in hand, I slowly dragged my ass up the stairs and into our bedroom where the bathroom is close, a bucket even closer and the Advil and Tylenol within arm’s reach. I crawled onto the bed curled up into a little ball, cried a little, closed my eyes and fell in and out of consciousness. My gut was in agonizing pain, I had a fever of 102 F and the toilet was my best friend and my worst enemy. We were supposed to go to the In-laws for Christmas dinner but there was no way I was leaving this house in my current state. I called Kev and Kal to tell them that basically my Christmas was done and I was physically unable to go to dinner. I told them they should go because there’s no point in everyone having a crappy Christmas, I’m just going to be laying in bed. It was a little bit of an argument, with my agony and fragile state I lost that fight. Kal outright refused to have Christmas without mommy even if mommy was stuck in bed all day and Kev was not leaving me alone as sick as I was. I spent the next two days fighting this illness which I thought was my C difficile returning. The thought of having to fight this infection for a third time brought on an episode of extreme depression that lasted 3 days. I could not stop crying, I was in pain, I was much too familiar with the toilet and the exhaustion was unbearable.

Then Friday came. I was messaging my sister L in SPEDmonton (there is a story behind the “SPED” part of that that I am not going to get into but basically it’s short for special education…in a derogatory way. I loathe that city. Every time I go there I have issues and problems, I have panic and anxiety attacks, and I couldn’t put a smile on my face if Jon Bon Jovi jumped out in front of me and told me he wanted to marry me … yes I hate it that much. IMHO (that means In My Humble Opinion ..in case you didn’t know) that city is full of morons, imbeciles, and retards … hence SPEDmonton…yes, I know it is a horrible term, I use it anyway along with many others, if you don’t like it then stop reading and leave. This is MY blog not yours… Buh Bye)… moving on… hang on back up a little bit … a little history L & I we’re plotting and planning trying to make it so that L, her hubby and their son, Den would come here for the holidays. I even went out of my way to buy lots of presents for them just to make sure that Den had a good Christmas. I am not going to get into all the gory details (okay they’re not that gory but I’m just not going to go there) but the plan fell through and they were unable to come for an undisclosed period of time … okay now I am moving on … so I was talking to L Friday morning and she informed me that she has not had a good day since Christmas. Well I hopped right into big sister mode. After a fairly short conversation I hopped into my car, picked up Kally (She had a sleepover at a friends) and headed out on the road for that 3 ish hour long drive to that hell hole, also known as SPEDmonton, to pick up my sister and her son, Den. When we finally arrived we visited quickly to say hello and goodbye to her hubby and we’re back on the road heading home, house-guests included. We made it there and back despite a whole shitload of crazy ass drivers including one idiot who was riding my ass so close he couldn’t have been more than 2 – 3 feet away while we were doing 120 km/h beside a fucking transport truck!! Dick.

I kept those poor unfortunate souls for a full week…Ha ha suckers. We visited my in-laws, we went (window) shopping, we went “GoodWilling”, we binge watched whatever we could, we laughed, we cried (well I did, it was sad when Spider-man disintegrated!), we sang (loudly and very off key I might add), we played, we had a great week but my favourite was Auntie and Nephew/niece day! L and Kal went out for breakfast and a movie but Den and I left the house at 10 am and did not return until sometime between 8:30 and 9 pm. We had a blast of a day; eventful and entertaining. Our exciting day started with breakfast at Denny’s! Den ordered up some chocolate chip pancakes and I grabbed some eggs benny hold the english muffin. We were so stuffed that Den did not even want dessert…well not a full dessert, he wanted something small. Well Auntie Nawna is someone who knows just the thing! Off we went to a Candy store!!! This store is most obviously going out of business with their half empty shelves and stale junior mints, but Den did not care nor notice…so neither did I (well I noticed, but I didn’t care as long as he was happy) We must have circled through that store a half dozen times looking at and talking about every candy before he finally decided on some candy lego blocks type things. He loved them, he made stuffs and then he gobbled them up. From the candy store we headed to a games and toy store … WOO HOO!! At least on hour of hour day was gobbled up here I am sure. We gazed at all the toys and games while Den told me all about the ones he has and the ones he wants. I couldn’t even begin to tell you about that list, well I could tell you that involved some Pokemon, some Beyblades, some Spider-Man, and some Minecraft but that is all I can tell ya. When he was done admiring all the stuffs I told him he could pick a toy (with a price limit), he picked out a beyblade and I grabbed some spidey toys (that he “claimed” 2 of) and we were on our way to the main feature …

Spider-Man!!! Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse!!! We hit up the movie theatre with just enough time to buy popcorn and snacks and get our butts seated (thank goodness for those pre-booked recliner seats!). We were both so excited! Spidey might be both of our favourite superhero and I heard great things about this movie! I mean really, Multiple Spider-Mans (and Womans) from various alternate dimensions collaborating to take down that evil King pin and ultimately saving the entire universe(s)! YES PLEASE! And let me tell you, it did NOT disappoint! (FYI…It is a Marvel movie, so stay til the end, you won’t regret it!) We both loved it intensely! Guess what I am buying when it comes out on Blu-Ray…….. Bohemian Rhapsody!!! LOL Tricked ya! Of course I meant Spider-Man! (But I am getting Bohemian Rhapsody too…that was a fantastic movie!) I was originally going to bring Den downtown to Devonian Gardens (An indoor garden/park including a playground and fountain pond) after the movie but I asked him if he wanted to watch another movie, Bumblebee started in 45 minutes and there were decent seats left. He was waaay too excited to watch 2 movies in a row (I think this may have been his first double feature). So we bought our tickets and headed over to the cinema arcade to play some games while we waited. That little turkey whooped my ass in air hockey twice in a row! OK I may have let him win…When I started to take the lead he started to look sad and I was having none of that today! but I did keep the score pretty much tied to keep the excitement and intensity high right until the bitter end when I would move my goalie way to far out to stop anything from going in … sshhh… I don’t normally let them (kids) win everything, but we were having an amazing day and I wanted him to enjoy it fully and completely … next time, it is on! He carried on with a bout at Guitar Hero, Basket ball and some other game I forget what it was. We both opted out of snacks for the second movie so we headed in to watch Bumblebee empty handed. OMG What a wonderful movie! How could anyone not love a movie with a lovable giant alien robot that can transform into and itty bitty bug and also save the world. I want to hug him, bring him home and keep him. Bee might be the cutest hunk of metal in the universe! Well when Bumblebee ended, it was too late for the Devonian Gardens (Next visit) and we were starving. Ribs being Den’s favourite meal made me opt for Montanas. One of Den’s favourite places apparently! Score point for Auntie Nawna! We drew on the table, played tic tac toe, laughed at our silliness and acted like complete fools. As you can see in the picture we were having such a good time, I couldn’t even take a decent picture… I was laughing too hard. HA! We both ordered Ribs and ate until we couldn’t eat anymore and then we had ice-cream!! After our fun filled day it was almost time to go home. We had one last minute stop. The grocery store. Why the hell would you take the kid to a grocery store on a day of fun? Well because I promised him chocolate chip pancakes in the morning and I had no chocolate chips. Also so my little buddy could pick out some ice-cream to bring home!!

The week tired out everyone …. But I think we all enjoyed it. It left me physically, mentally and financially drained, and I would do it again in a heartbeat without a second thought. No regrets.

Family. Happy. Love.