Mindfulness – Demi-Mistress "DM" of the Introverse

features-mental-health #BellLetsTalk Let’s do it! Let’s talk! Let’s talk about Anxiety Disorders. Let’s talk about Depressive Disorders. Let’s talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Let’s talk about Stress. Let’s talk about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Let’s talk about Binge Eating Disorder. Let’s talk about Insomnia. Let’s talk about Restless Leg Syndrome. Let’s talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. Let’s talk about Bereavement Disorder. Let’s talk about Panic Attack Disorder. Let’s talk about Fibromyalgia. Let’s talk about Suicidal and harmful thoughts! Let’s talk about me and my Mental illnesses. Did you read all those ones I listed off? Welcome to my life.

Someone loves you and someone is here for you, whether you realize it or not. Your story is not over; continue life. Canadian Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566. You are never alone. Children’s help phone 1-800-668-6868. I love you.

https://youtu.be/H1y0mHPY6k8

Mental Health Awareness is on the rise and we all need to help raise the awareness. Mental illnesses are real. I struggle every day. Everyday is a fight just to get out of bed. I am on 3 medications to help cope with all that is wrong with my brain. I see my family doctor, a counsellor and a psychologist (soon to add a psychiatrist to the list) I take classes to learn tools and techniques. I read book after book on some of my brains ailments. I research, read and look into blogs, videos and websites. It has been a slow and sneaky incline, so slow that I didn’t even know anything was wrong (other than my anxiety which (knowingly) started nearly 20 years ago) until death became an option.

Let’s talk about Anxiety Disorders. I developed anxiety 17-18 years ago, shortly after meeting a certain person. A very abusive, controlling, possessive, demeaning, horrible person. I eventually left this person, but unfortunately he will always be a part of my life. Nope, not because of our daughter, but because of the pain and suffering that he caused that I may never heal from. Through the last, we’ll say, 18 years this anxiety has progressed from an anxiety involving fear of abuse to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Separation Anxiety and Phobias. I once wrote an entire blog about my anxieties but I am not going to do that today. All I am going to say today is that Anxiety disorders are debilitating. I am not talking about “normal” “I don’t want to talk in public” anxieties, I am talking about disorders that have and still do cripple me at times with surges of overwhelming panic, difficulty breathing, dizziness, pounding heart or feeling like I’m having a heart attack, and occasionally not even being able to move. My anxieties come from many triggers and sometimes none at all, from having to leave the house to Kal going to a friends house to Kev flying to work and from getting a needle to worrying if I am wearing the right shoes to having a normal conversation. I have read “Anxiety for Beginners: How It Feels to Live With Anxiety and How To Make The Best Of It” by Eleanor Morgan (Author) and found it to be pretty good even with 20 years “experience”. Another good read … I also really like the Anxiety Canada website, an information overload! There is a lot of tools and resources you can check out for free. If you suffer from Anxiety or know someone who does, go ahead and check these out!

Let’s talk about Depressive Disorders. All of these mental illnesses go hand in hand. One minute you feel fine, the next your brain gets sick. While sick, it is easier to “catch” other diseases. The domino effect happens which is why I seem to have so many I guess. Depression is the hardest one for me. I practically raised my sisters, who were my loves and my life. They were my children from the time I was 7 or 8 years old. Then we were separated. Then depression happened and we stopped talking. we used to be as close as sisters could be … but now…not so much… but I am working on it … I suffer with Major depressive disorder. The hardest one to beat. But I am taking that bastard head on and I WILL win. I am sad. but not your “normal sad”. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Some days I cry and cry and cry. Some days I feel worthless. I have a constant lack of energy that I sometime blame on being lazy. I am not lazy! I am depressed! I can’t concentrate or think. Decisions are near impossible. I am lonely in a room full a people. Sometimes I feel like Kal and Kev don’t love nor care for me … THEY DO! I know they do deep down, but this depression takes over and covers up the good things showing only the sad/bad. Fuck you depression! I have a huge Library of depression literature and tools… HUGE. But let me just give you my favourites … First Neil Pasricha! Anything by Neil Pasricha! The Happiness Equation, The Book of Awesome, His Ted Talk, and best of all The Institute for Global Happiness. This guy is the positive/happy King! You can also check out his original blog 1000 Awesome Things. “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck is a good one that was recommended by my family doctor, it is not entirely about depression, but it has a bit in there and it does a great job explaining the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. Mindset can be applied anywhere in your life. Give it a read whether you are depressed or not, it will help you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies was not a full read for me. I flipped through to the chapters that applied to me. I highly recommend this one for not just depression, but for anxiety, addictions, low self esteem and much more. Workbooks are big helps with both Anxiety and depression; I like The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution by David A. Clark, Aaron T. Beck . Need some online tools, help and resources? I went to the Center for Clinical Interventions and went through a lot of their stuff. I have just started reading a book that came highly recommended by a complete stranger, I don’t have my own opinion on it yet, but because it was so passionately recommended I will include it – You Are Not Your Brain: The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking, and Taking Control of Your Life by Jeffrey Schwartz MD and Rebecca Gladding MD. If you know someone who is depressed (or think someone you love might be), for the love of god and all that is holy, research, learn and read; something like “Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone in Your Life Is Depressed” by Claudia J. Strauss (Author). They need love, comfort, reassurance and most of all support. We think we are alone, show us that we are not!

Let’s talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Yikes. This is a tough one. The flashbacks are as traumatizing as the incidents. My childhood was a rough one. The “typical” sad childhood story? I grew up Very poor. I was neglected, abused, used, taken advantage of, and the list goes on. My Mother was not a good parent at all. My father was rarely around. One of my grandparents made me feel like she hated me. Like she held me in contempt and/or blamed be for simply being my mothers daughter. I was moved around the country multiple times. Is this where the PTSD comes in? I think it aids in the episodes but here is the thing… I was molested, almost molested and raped. Separate incidents, Separate people. When I was but a wee child, 6 ish I think, There was a man who used to give me money when I went to the store for him. I obviously kept going back, I got a lot of candy with the quarters he would give me. eventually the hugging started, then the kissing and the tongue and then the touching. This is very hard for me to type out. I have not told many people and now I am sharing it to the world. Although he did not enter me with his penis, he did use his hands and fingers. Ok, I am back after a panic attack and a cry. Reliving this is too upsetting, so I will leave it and move on. A less traumatizing incident was the “almost”. I was babysitting for a friend of my mother. She apparently brought home some “big black man” (as I called him back then. I was sleeping when they came in. He made his way to the bed I was in and while I slept he put his hand up my shirt and started fondling my breasts and as he started to move toward my “private area” I jumped up and ran. ran home. The traumatizing part of this experience is my mother. I told her what happened and she went and made friends with the guy!!! She made friends with a grown ass man who tried to touch her daughter!! Thanks mom. That is where I started to really rebel and hold her in contempt for my horrible upbringing. That is where I lost respect and trust. So when I was raped, I did not tell her. I did not tell anyone on any of the occasions. For many years I blamed myself. I used to be fairly promiscuous and dressed fairly “sexy”. So it was my fault…so I thought for many years. Later when I thought I was settling down I was raped by someone that I thought I loved. But it’s not rape if you are with that person right? I should have wanted it, right? NO. FUCK NO! No means no whether you are dressed slutty, in a relationship or married or so drunk you can barely talk. No means no!! I still have to convince myself this more often than not. I say it, but I often don’t believe it. It was not my fault and yes it is rape even if you love them. I am 3/4 of the way through Freeing The Unloved Girl: A Woman’s Guide To Healing From Childhood Abuse And Conditioning By Marisa Russo and I find it quite helpful … I use her techniques for some things and am hoping that one day I can work up to my PTSD causes.

Let’s talk about Stress. Having a sick brain is one of the most stressful things that I have ever encountered but you know what else is stressful … Life. I cannot even begin to list all the stressors that are part of my daily life, there are just way too many. But my stress needs to drop a bit…ok a LOT, and how am I attempting to reduce stress? Mindfulness and meditation. You can meditate! I thought I couldn’t. I am one of those people who fell into all the myths: “You need to be religious”, “you need to empty your mind and I can’t”, “I don’t have time”, “It takes too long to see results” I was wrong. I am currently taking classes on Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) through Catholic Family Service and I LOVE it!! It is tough but, like everything, practice makes perfect. These techniques help with not only stress but also depression, anxiety, chronic pain and more. Try it for FREE on the Online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) website Palouse Mindfulness. I will be reading Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness by Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thich Nhat Hanh next and think you should too!

Let’s talk about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OMG! That is NOT how you put the groceries on the belt!! The toilet paper goes “THIS” way! It does NOT go there. Everything has to be perfect! I have to fix it. It is eating me alive. Panic attack!! If I go to bed without touching all the locks on all the doors to confirmed they are locked I go into a huge panic attack. I have to get up and do it. I have to make sure. Seeing them locked or having Kev or Kal tell me they are locked is not enough. I must fell them locked or I go into a full blown panic attack. That is the only one that is really bad that I cannot shake. When at the grocery store, I try to leave the groceries how Kev puts them on. The odd item I move, but I think I am doing really well. I don’t freak out over the toilet paper anymore … well most of the time … and I will often leave it. On occasion, on a bad day, I will not freak out but I will change it. Something is in the wrong spot? I now calmly move it. I cannot leave it though. I just can’t do that one. Thanks to medication and therapy, I can cope with my OCD and am starting to take control. I have no books on OCD nor websites. everything was discussed in counselling, including mindfulness and CBT, and it is working. It was recommended that I read Everyday Mindfulness for OCD: Tips, Tricks, and Skills for Living Joyfully by Jon Hershfield MFT and Shala Nicely LPC and a workbook to go with it; The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions and Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Jon Hershfield MFT and Tom Corboy MFT and I may get to them, but because I am working on controlling it and it seems to be helping, I have other Mental disorders that I need to work on, like …

Let’s talk about Binge Eating Disorder. When I am sad, I eat. When I am upset, I eat. when I am happy I eat … the problem is not just eating, it is eating 6 full size chocolate bars because I am depressed. It’s eating a tub of ice-cream because I am sad. It’s eating 5 boxes of toffifee because I am lonely. It’s eating an entire box of oreos because I feel worthless. It’s eating a large bag of chips and some sweets because life sucks and I am a lazy bum. It is eating all of this secretly so no one can see my shame. It is regretting the binge eating and hating myself for it. It is blaming myself for gaining weight because of the binge eating. It is self loathing at its finest. I have started a diet to help me determine irritants but I have found chocolate that I can eat on this diet … I may have also stocked up on a TON of chips and chocolate to binge on when my diet is done … I feel guilty already. I know I should get rid of it and just not eat it … but I can’t…

Let’s talk about Insomnia. Sleep? HA! Everyone says they don’t sleep well, but I call bullshit on most of them. When you get so little sleep that your daily life is interrupted and you cannot function daily because you went to bed at 9, it took you 3 hours to get to sleep and then you woke up 45 times for times varying from 5 minutes to a couple hours and then you get up at 5:30 or 6 often because you have been awake since 3 and do it all over again for months and months until you can’t cope anymore, THEN you can say you don’t sleep. I am thankfully now on medication to help me sleep. I still wake up a few times, but overall my sleep has increased immensely. However, forgetting that little pill means no sleep all over again. I have a book on better sleeping … but it is packed and I do not recall the name of it. I do my meditation before bed and listen to calm and relaxing music or guided sleep meditation. I like this one for music …

Let’s talk about Restless Leg Syndrome. RLS one of the most annoying disorders I have and very likely contributes to the insomnia. Having to kick out, shake or walk off my legs, just as I am falling asleep, because they feel weird just Fucking sucks!!

Let’s talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. I spent my entire life keeping people at a distance, not letting people “in” and never “asking”. I had (have) an extreme fear of rejection and abandonment. When I did enter a relationship, I jumped right back out when anything started to change. It saved me from them leaving me. Abandoning me, rejecting me. I drank, I put up walls and I was an emotional roller coaster. Today I am not as impulsive, unstable or crazy emotional, but the disorder is still there with extreme fear. I still hold back, I still hide my feelings and I still panic and “freak out” when I think I am being rejected or abandoned, whether by a loved one or a job or a fricking credit card. The suffering is great and real.

Let’s talk about Bereavement Disorder. My grandmother was the most important person in my life until I had Kal, and then she was a VERY close second. I loved her like a mother. She was the light of my day and the moon in my nights. She was my conscience, my guilt and my morals. She was the glue that held our family together and the rock that kept me grounded. She was my biggest fan and I hers. On September 17th, 2016 she passed away. over 2 years later and I still cannot get over her death. I cry for her all the time. I long for her love and I pray for her life. It hurts so bad. I see felt and I cry. I see owls or chickadees (live or art or decor) and I bawl. When I see anything that makes me think of her my insides (my heart) feels like it is tearing apart and I am reliving the day of her passing. I still cannot accept that she is gone. She was my world and now my world is empty.

Let’s talk about Panic Attack Disorder. Panic attacks appear with nearly all of my mental disorders. but what scares me the most is when the attacks arise out of nowhere. When I am just sitting watching tv, laying down reading, checking the mail or staring into space and a panic attack occurs, I feel like I am actually dying. I feel like the world is about to end. I feel like I cannot cope. I feel an immense fear and have no idea why. I shake, sweat, have difficulty breathing, get pains in my chest along with a racing heart and I cannot think straight. Panic attack are scariest when they are over nothing at all.

Let’s talk about Fibromyalgia. I hate this one. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there is not test to determine why I am in pain constantly. I hate that there are too many symptoms and they cannot be explained. I hate that this “may” be hereditary and Kal may end up with it. Let’s see… I will throw out a “few” of the symptoms that I deal with on a daily basis; some days worse than others… Pain. Pain all over all the time. Sensitivity to pain, just touching me can hurt like hell!! Concentration issues, headaches, numb/tingly hands, feet and shoulder, fatigue, stiffness, IBS, always cold, carpel tunnel (may not be due to FM), RLS (may or may not be fibro related), noise and smell sensitivities, lack of balance when walking, Sleep problems, unable to focus, difficulty expressing words, talking or completing sentences. forgetting everything, emotional issues, easy bruising, random rashes on arms and back, canker sores galore and hemorrhoids. And that is not all of them!!

Let’s talk about Suicidal and harmful thoughts! Suicide is an often avoided topic. No one wants to talk about death, whether by their own hand or someone else’s. Well guess what… today, I am going to! I have wanted to end my life 3 times in the last 12 months and am thankful everyday that I did not smash my head off the corner, that I did not drive off that bridge, that I did shut the car off before I “fell asleep”.

Let’s talk about me and MY mental illnesses. It was the suicide idealizations that made me finally see the doctor and get help. I knew I had some mental illness but I was to ashamed to ask for help and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. over the last year I have been diagnosed with Multiple illnesses, I have tried many medications trying to find the correct ones, I have cried and thought I was going to die. I know my brain is sick and I am doing my best to help it get healthy again. It is a long process but I CAN DO IT! I WILL DO IT!!

As long as you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong with you – Jon Kabat-Zinn